Since Christmas is approaching and I have been cleaning the house so I can get out the decorations a funny story came back to me. It didn’t happen very long ago. It must have been in January of this year.
Here is the story.
We have this Christmas tree bag. It is a big rectangle tarp-like bag that holds our artificial tree. Yes I have a fake tree. I love real trees, but I don’t have the patience to put on the lights. Thus I have a big bag with our tree and our wreaths inside. Soooooo what happened was…
The bag is HUGE I didn’t think I could fit it in the attic, so I dragged ( is that even a word?) the bag outside into our shed. Our shed is attached to our carport and it is damp, dark, gross and filled with spiders and cave crickets. So obviously I avoid the shed unless I really need to go in there.
So I heaved the tree bag with our Christmas tree inside it out in the shed because I…well because I am a control freak and I wanted it out of the dining room floor and I didn’t want to wait for my husband to get home. There I said it. I am an impatient control freak.
When I told Adam where I put it he told me it wasn’t a good idea to store it out there. Well that made me a little perturbed. I dragged the heavy darned thing out there and now he was telling me that we weren’t going to be leaving it out there. So about a week later I went back out there in the damp dark shed. I hauled the bag inside our house and upstairs into the attic.
When I got it up there I started to hear a sound. I would describe it as raindrops. A thousand million raindrops coming from the inside of the Christmas tree bag. I could see the bag moving in spots and that along with the sounds coming from the bag I panicked. My heart started pounding and I slammed the attic door closed and RAN downstairs to hide in my room. I expected hundreds of insects or spiders or baby mice to follow me down the stairs like I was the pied piper or something. I just KNEW there was something horrifying inside that bag.
So I called my husband at work. I was talking really fast and squeaky because I am a drama queen like that. Just sayin’
” Hey I brought the Christmas tree bag in the house and I put it in the attic but it’s making a weird sound and I think there is something alive in there because it sounds like it’s raining on the inside of the bag and I am freaking out can you tell I am freaking out? yeah can you come home and fix it?”
This was before he got his current job in the town where we live and he was 32 miles away in Nashville. So because he is such a good husband he took his lunch break to come rescue his bride from all the “critters” in the Christmas tree bag. When he arrived he went upstairs into the attic and dragged the bag downstairs and out to our deck. I made him close the sliding glass door because I didn’t want the “critters” to get me.
When he opened the bag guess what was there?
A Christmas tree…and a wreath. And gasp!….one dead fly.
Yeah….that was all. Good thing he doesn’t work at that job anymore because I think the Christmas party this year would be really embarrassing for me. Because at last year’s party I had just had a baby and 3 glasses of wine made me trip over a chair (I am such a graceful goober). And this year it would have been all about the empty Christmas tree bag that caused Adam to drive 64 miles round trip on his lunch break. This is what it’s like to be married to me.
I came upstairs to write a post. I had no idea what I was aiming for, but I was just going to put on some music and let whatever flowed…flow.
Well. I came up with exactly nothing. Because I am just creative like that. I have nothing to say apparently. So I am going to do a Q and A. I have no idea if I have enough readers to even do a Q and A, but I am going to put it out there anyway. I kind of feel all exposed and insecure assuming I even have multiple readers other than my husband and my mom.
All of a sudden I feel all angst ridden and hormonal. Is there anyone out there who likes me? I mean I wasn’t a cheerleader in high school, but I was in the drama club and I had a really tight pager my senior year yo, and yeah and I could totally like drive a stick shift at 60 mph and gossip with the girls at the same time and so why wouldn’t you want to ask me a question please ask me a question. Otherwise I will monopolize our next marriage counseling session with all my insecurities because no one asked me a question on my blog!
Whew…so internets. Is there anything at all that you want to know about Mrs007? No boundaries, no stipulations. Ask me anything because I am not easily offended. If you don’t want me to know who you are just ask me anonymously. I mean people…I have a website so obviously I am pretty self involved and I like to talk about myself. Plus I get the added bonus of writing material. Since I am tapped out for the moment and you are all being forced to dying to know more, this is the perfect opportunity. It’s a win win situation!
Email me your questions at your leisure or ASAP!… whichever works best for you. smashleysmalls (at) gmail (dot) com
I have a few things stuck in my head and I keep saying them out loud and laughing like a crazy person. “Hey ya’ll !….I’m nayked! ” and ” I really had to poop a lot, so that I could be this hot “ Watch this video and you will see why it’s so funny. Oh Mad TV….why did they have to cancel you?
This story involves a beautiful wedding. And cows mooing. And farting.
And lots and lots of inappropriate laughing.
Have you ever been at a wedding or a funeral or even at church and you just get tickled? It starts with a giggle and then before you know it your shoulders are shaking and tears are running down your cheeks. And you know that it is entirely inappropriate to be laughing so you try to contain it. But the urge to laugh just won’t go away.
Well…if you can relate to that feeling keep reading.
A few years ago Adam, myself and Addison( then about 3yrs old I think) along with Adam’s parents and sister April traveled to North Carolina. Emily who is a very close family friend was getting married so we went to Asheville for a few days. Claxton Farm is where the wedding was held. It is such a beautiful setting and what made it even more unique was that there are cows, miniature horses, llamas, goats and camels. Emily and Will are veterinarians, so the animals being there was a really cool addition to already wonderful surroundings.
When it came time for the ceremony people stopped talking and the atmosphere became serene. While the vows were being said you could hear cows mooing and that was pretty funny all by itself. Everyone in attendance laughed when a cow interrupted the ceremony and then it just became part of the experience.
But then we heard a sound that no one should ever hear during the most important romantic moment of a couple’s life.
A fart.
And it wasn’t just a small hardly audible poot.
It was a man fart.
A fart so loud it reciprocated off of the folding chair and echoed in the ears of the back four rows of the bride’s side. The strange thing was that we couldn’t tell from which direction it had originated. And as soon as it happened people started exchanging glances and snickering.
Now remember internets….the vows were being said during this moment. So we HAD to hold it in. We couldn’t screech with the laughter that wanted so badly to escape from our bodies. We couldn’t chuckle aloud and say ” good one” to whoever it was that let the air biscuit. We couldn’t ask our neighbor if they had been the one to cut the cheese. We had to pretend it didn’t happen and try to focus on the marriage that was taking place at the exact moment that the North Carolina barking spider chose to well….bark.
And you could see that the aftermath of the bean bomber was spreading among the immediate area. There were two young guys sitting in front of us with their parents. We watched as they quietly tried to ask each other if the other was responsible for the crack rattler.
By this time we are all in hysterics. Just when you thought you had yourself under control you would see the person in front you start to lose it. Their shoulders would start to shake and you would hear a choking sound because they were trying to hold their breath unsuccessfully.
We still didn’t know who the let churchhouse creeper, but I was starting to suspect someone. I noticed my sweet little cherub faced 3 year old was squirming in her seat.
She looked uncomfortable. She looked embarrassed. And then I just knew. And Adam and I met eyes and then I knew that he knew too.
We were all unbelievably relieved when the vows were all said and the bride and groom were announced as man and wife and we could finally relax. We all got our chance to giggle, but oddly enough it wasn’t as funny when we were free to laugh as loud as we wanted. And it definitely wasn’t as funny when I had the knowledge that it was my darling child who caused the whole farting scene.
And bless her heart. She was embarrassed. I think it was the first time she had ever felt that emotion. So we didn’t make a big thing about it, but she did confirm what we already knew. She was the toot tooter.
I guess I should go ahead and apologize to my precious child for telling this story that she will undoubtedly one day read. I am sorry Addison. Everybody has a butt…and everybody farts. Don’t be embarrassed…just laugh about it and move on. I am sorry your life is such good blog fodder.
What am I saying? I am not sorry. Thank you for being my muse! You just give me some really great writing material what with all of the wedding farting….and sticking lip gloss in the dog’s butt. I love you Addison. My little tooter bug.
Oh and also if any of you would like to know where I found a few of my fart references….check out the Fart Thesaurus. Thank you Google for coming through once again.
For more stories that won’t be going in the scrapbook…visit Kristen at We are THAT family.
Whoa internets are you still here? I figured due to my absence you would all have moved on to some other self centered person’s blog. No? Well whew… that’s a relief.
My affair with the vampires has ended. It’s sad, but we parted well and I have a sense of peace that it’s over. I will miss the Twilight series and the whole Cullen family and I will miss that sense of urgency that I must read every word as. soon. as. possible.
What I won’t miss? Piles of laundry, dirty floors, dishwashers full of clean dishes and sinks full of dirty one’s. I won’t miss Adam falling asleep on the couch because my nose is in a book and I won’t miss being away from all 3 of you who read my blog!
So yeah….I am back! I think everyone should read these books and also see Twilight in movie form as well. It’s a really good fantasy…SUCH a good fantasy!
I know it sounds like all I did was read for days and days and days. But I do have some sense of responsibility. We had to eat and wear clean clothes. I actually managed to clean the bathroom and Addison’s pigsty of a room too.
Yeah and about her room. Friday night I decided to help her clean her room and the bonus room because we were having a play date on Saturday. With Christmas coming I wanted to gather some things to give to the goodwill because I know that Addison has an excess of toys and will be getting more as gifts.
She actually cried when I told her she needed to pick 5 my little pony’s and 3 horses to keep and the rest would go to a less fortunate child. I explained to her that we are a very blessed family and there are others who don’t have as much. She seemed resolved, but still tears ran down her cheeks.
Everything is so “special” to her. I have tried to explain to her that if everything is “special” then nothing is truly special. She ended up spending the night at my parent’s house because I could see that I was stressing her out by filling garbage bags with toys.
Being a parent forces me to think about my own attachment to “stuff”. I like to think of myself as a non materialistic person. The people in my life are of the utmost importance to me, so nothing else really matters. But, it’s a hard introspective thing to realize that I like stuff too. I have my priorities straight, but I am also a realist. I have to admit that I love Coach purses and home decor and shoes. So how can I expect Addison to grasp something that I can’t even do myself?
I think that it’s ok to want stuff, but I would like to find a balance so that I can teach my children that when it comes to what is truly important, we have it all. I am pretty confident that Addison will learn the right way to feel about material things because I intend to lead by example. And if she doesn’t well, then I will just put everything we own in trash bags and start all over again. It sounds like a pretty good idea to me, but since she cried big huge crocodile tears about a toy horse, it would probably not go over very well.
This is just to let everyone know that I have been taken hostage. My captor is very dangerous. He is also incredibly hot and only 17.
Yes I have been captivated by my captor while being held captive.
I am so laughing at myself right now. Just being silly.
But I have been missing for days. Would you like to know what I have been doing?
For days and days and days.
Would you like to know what I am reading? Say Yes darn-it! I really want to tell you! Say Yes!
What’s that? you really do want to know? Oh good. I have been reading this.
and this.
and today I finished this.
I am OBSESSED!
And I am already aching to read the last one.
I don’t want it to be over, but I can’t wait for it to be over. I haven’t been this involved in a series of books since Harry Potter. Yes I am cheating on Harry with a vampire named Edward. But he is so hot and reading about he and Bella’s love makes me want my husband to come home from work right now.
But not really, because I need a shower. I mean I don’t smell like a wolf or anything, but a shower would be nice.
These books make me remember feelings that take me back. New love. Exciting Passionate Irrational Blinding Overpowering and sometimes even Forbidden….love. Dangerous even. It’s bringing all sorts of sordid details to mind. Back to when I was a size 6 and very young and very naive.
So anyway before I bore you with all of my teenage secrets…the bottom line is….I LOVE these books. SO thank you Elizabeth for introducing them to Melissa, and thank you Melissa for letting me borrow them. I cant wait for Sunday when we get to see Twilight. I know it won’t be as good as the book, but I am still impossibly excited.
Now I must tend to my house because it looks like we have been robbed. Yeah someone kidnapped the maid.
Yes. I know it’s always changing. But are you aware that our culture as we know it is teetering on the tip of a pinhead?
We have all been just living our lives and building our careers and having families and buying stuff we don’t need and eating too much and watching too much TV and while all of these things have been going on we have lost sight of the fundamental values that are the most important in this life. We are distracted. We are distracting ourselves. We don’t want to see it. I have been guilty myself. And it’s NOT ok.
There is a battle being fought. A spiritual battle. A culture war. The battlefield is everywhere. It’s not only thousands of miles away in some middle eastern country, it is right here. In our homes, at our offices and in our churches.
I am raising children in this changing world so I feel like it is my responsibility to be as aware as I possibly can. So I have been paying attention. I have been praying for our nation and for our leaders and for our world. Ultimately I know that the battle has already been won, so I try not to be anxious about what is meant to happen. I don’t believe that means that I should stop fighting for what I believe. I am sure there are those who think our country is changing for the better.
I would say that signs point to the opposite. See above.
What do I think we need more of? Jesus.
I know that millions of people don’t believe that He is real. I understand that faith is a hard concept to learn. I get it that it’s easier to just believe that this world is going to keep on spinning on and on and on forever. We have all been given a choice. Free will. But we have also been given an empty space in our hearts that can only be filled by one thing. We all try to fill it up with different things.
In the past I have used alcohol and drugs and even denial to try to fill it up. It always left me feeling even more empty than before. Until I chose Him. And in that moment I found it. Redemption. The hole was filled up and overflowing. Pouring out.
This past year has been the worst year of my life. I can’t even talk about all of the things that have happened. Hope has come to me though suffering. I know how it feels to be held up in the midst of a broken heart. I have chosen to rejoice instead of recoil.
I am strong. Not because of me but because I am in good hands. Every time something bad has happened I have run to Jesus. And when prayers were answered and I felt His peace wash over me I have praised God for that. I am not special or different. I am just one human and just one of millions who have endured unbearable things in life. I just know Who to turn to and Who to hold on to with every event in my life whether it be happy or too painful to face alone.
I really believe that our world is at a turning point. I won’t speculate that the end of life as we know it is upon us, because that would be dramatic and foolish. But I do know if we could just get back to the basics and focus more on faith and family we would all be much happier. And our world would be a better place too. And whether we choose to believe or not….Jesus Christ exists and our world will be judged. And here in my little corner of the world I stand in awe…unafraid and unashamed.
Stumble It!
